Welcome To My Feelings Journal

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-12-24T16:41:00

2009-12-24T21:41:30Z

Something marvelous has happened!
For the very first time, I am rumored to be a slut.
I have never been a slut before!
From what I understand, it means that "I never knew sex could be this fun."

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-12-20T19:19:00

2009-12-21T00:19:17Z

Fun tip for crowded holiday parties:
stand in the corner, collect bottle caps, chuck them into the crowd. For a more festive take, try using pinecones, or candy canes.

best day everrr

2009-12-17T00:44:32Z

slept til what i thought was 3 but when i went to pick up my prescription i found out it was actually only 1. GAINED TWO HOURS! BRILLIANT!
finished my portfolio! cleaned my room! did my laundry! tidied my life up!
got highhhhhh
hung out with the cats
took my time
my story is as done as it will ever be
i started a new one
OH! And I lost my cellphone at the holiday party because I was a drunk, sparkling mess. and I didn't freak out about it because I now realize that I lose something like every single day and I simply can't waste my energy beating myself up for it. And I told myself it was probably in the van I rode in to the uh, "after party" (watching brad neely videos) and you know what? IT WAS.
...and now this darlin' is coming over

here is a picture from the Otherside Cafe Holiday party
best dressed wins the prize of a night in a new hotel

Jenna, Anya and Myself
Anya won. She is a Russian minx. There isn't any coffee in that cup.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-12-16T16:47:00

2009-12-16T21:47:38Z

'ey brah'

I am putting together the final portfolio for my writing class. It's mostly poetry and I am not big on the poetry, what with all the convoluted crap and general pretense and self idolatry and whatnot. this generalized apathy towards the form contrasts fiercely with what happens in my guts when i find a poet that i enjoy. the right piece can elevate my mood for weeks. I am going to be taking a poetry class next semester, but only because the professor likes me and he's all prestigious and shit, so I figure I should just enjoy his educational embrace and write some f'ing poems.

Had drinx with this other Profess of poems and he was saying he doesn't much care for poetry either and yet and yet... he said
WHO READS NOVELS? everyone
WHO LISTENS TO MUSIC? everyone
WHO WATCHES FILMS? everyone
WHO READS POETRY? poets.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

A problem I am having is that I am not so into "conflict" aka "a story" or "a progression" and I've yet to determine how to turn my love for poignant snapshots into something compelling beyond its form. Do you want to read a book that is comprised of emotional little tweets about surrounding humans? No? Me neither.

There is this really sweet guy coming over tonight. We are going to watch The Holy Mountain.

in anticipation of a harmony

2009-12-16T21:41:20Z

i watch you in the morning
you are humming, fixing him
a garnished diner breakfast
with scrambled eggs and sausage

he keeps the door closed and the mattress bare
still
you glow with all the grace
of a mother mary nightlight

your knees touch
anyone's but mine
and rarely each other

i hear the way he holds you
axiomatic lovemaking

the moan
and snore

on couches and in hallways

i hold myself; a great ape
stressed shoulders and guilty knuckles dragging
through common spaces-
shared showers, slender stairwells

singing in my bedroom. i sing solitary-
a swan song, a castrated choir boy,
a Mangum for the new millennium

do you know sound carries?

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-11-30T21:54:00

2009-12-01T02:54:30Z

You were the promise at dawn,
I was the morning after.
You were Jesus Christ my Lord,
I was the money lender.
You were the sensitive woman,
I was the very reverend Freud.
You were the manual orgasm,
I was the dirty little boy.
And is this what you wanted
to live in a house that is haunted
by the ghost of you and me?

Is this what you wanted ...

You were Marlon Brando,
I was Steve McQueen.
You were K.Y. Jelly,
I was Vaseline.
You were the father of modern medicine,
I was Mr. Clean.
You where the whore and the beast of Babylon,
I was Rin Tin Tin.

And is this what you wanted ...

And is this what you wanted ...

You got old and wrinkled,
I stayed seventeen.
You lusted after so many,
I lay here with one.
You defied your solitude,
I came through alone.
You said you could never love me,
I undid your gown.

-leonard cohen "is this what you wanted"

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-11-19T15:29:00

2009-11-19T20:29:18Z

I am working hard on my story and it is improving and that's a very satisfying feeling. Hemingway says that talking about your work is masturbation and a jinx but how does that apply in the age of the internet? Can I still type this? Ack.
Anyway I would like to thank my livejournal for being a place where I could write beginning scraps and ideas for so many comforting years. And now one or some of those old thoughts and feelings are being revisited and manipulated. This was a fabulous sounding board.

This is where the dum thoughts go now:

well, that's the one that goes in my boot and comes along for the ride.

freewrite on my funeral

2009-10-12T19:57:23Z

I would have had her cremated
or a viking procession-
set ablaze and sent off to sea!

But she wanted decomposition
the grand cycle
the great return.

She always harbored a selfish predilection
for being eaten.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-10-12T15:17:00

2009-10-12T19:18:27Z

1. love too much
2. there is no such thing

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-10-12T14:54:00

2009-10-12T18:54:25Z

you know, i think capn dan really is a musical genius.

Grilling

2009-09-24T17:55:47Z

Six slender boymen
necks craned, tall on tiptoes
lined against a brick wall

across the street: a brunette
topless and feline
stretching before an open window

abandoned barbecue
meat smoking
well done

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-07-18T03:07:00

2009-07-18T07:09:10Z

3 am raging confusion. working at the same place i used to mock when i was younger. listening to protokoll. working with people i've been observing since i was 15. i dont know if this is what i was really expecting. it's not bad, just peculiar.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-05-17T15:30:00

2009-05-17T19:38:23Z

I have lost a fair amount of weight and find that I am disturbed by my new behind. It is much smaller than the one I was acquainted with for all these 20-odd years of living. I do not like this sudden inability to sing along with Queen's 'Fat Bottom Girls' without feeling like a fucking liar. I am watching my body change. I no longer feel sturdy. Women compliment my clothes more often now that the fabric hangs off of me in a curtain-y fashion. I feel unsettled in my skin, I am certain that this body is temporary, I find obscure flaws in the presentation and am faced with new, irrational concerns; as though others may be taking note of the asymmetry of my hipbones. I want my body to be strong. I want to train it to work for me. I want my body to be put to use. I want to utilize its potential. I want to be powerful.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-05-15T14:20:00

2009-05-15T18:21:06Z

i have one year of college left
i have a lot of hostility
i have a lot of work to do
i love the spring
i love the sun

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-04-26T20:24:00

2009-04-27T00:26:04Z

I have a new job, in a month I will have a new apartment.
I did something to my shitty roommate's toothbrush and she'll never know, but every time I hear that electric whirl I'll feel the thrill of victory.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-04-17T15:31:00

2009-04-17T19:31:45Z

Being around truly crazy people is the best way to reinforce your own sanity.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-04-13T11:54:00

2009-04-13T15:54:48Z

make new friends, keep the old

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-03-27T18:16:00

2009-03-27T22:25:20Z

got my septum pierced it looks stupid, i'm a square dweeb with a metal thingy in my face.
went to texas, came back, that was the best but now i feel out of control with my life.
my house smells like cat shit and my rapist is commenting on an infamous junkie interneter's pictures
sort of sentences, all sexy like she wants it real bad but she doesnt know it yet but he'll show her, yeah, some day, some day sooner than she knows
fuck
earth people orchestra are fantastic except someone is currently orbiting outside of our solar system
here i am again

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-03-09T12:28:00

2009-03-09T16:31:35Z

In other news, I don't think there is anything wrong with viewing your life and your mental space as a project, the focal point of your creative impulses. What's wrong with working for a healthy and thriving psychic life? (Sure, it's self-indulgent, but is that so terrible?)

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-03-09T12:11:00

2009-03-09T16:16:31Z

Judging by livejournal entries written in my teenage years, I can see that I have always been boy-crazy, foolhardy, and highly judgmental.

I am going to SXSW with some friends. We are driving there in a van. My band hopes to play some shows when we get there, but we are currently dealing with some poor planning and I can see that this will be a source of stress.

Nathaniel moved in with me. When I go into the kitchen I see his influence. I can recognize that it's nice to have the kitchen serve as the center of the household. I don't really know much about feeding myself and I hope to learn from him.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-02-19T13:17:00

2009-02-19T18:20:37Z

I can accept the idea that February is the problem.

For the first time in an uncharacteristically long time, I feel unsatisfied. Maybe partying will help? Nah. February is the problem.

Why am I sitting in the computer lab when I could be outside?

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-02-17T19:48:00

2009-02-18T00:49:35Z

how am i supposed to find out things about people when they dont expose all facets of themselves on the internet damn it

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-02-11T21:15:00

2009-02-12T02:15:56Z

so what's it like being so talented smart and beautiful?

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-01-18T21:59:00

2009-01-19T03:02:45Z

Shakir kept saying that we were degenerates and you know, it really upset me. So I had to retaliate by calling us hedonists, cause it sounds better. Plus it's true: we were in great pursuit of pleasure. I want to feel joyful all the time. I want to touch my friends more often.

oh_oh_oh @ 2009-01-08T17:16:00

2009-01-08T22:17:14Z

It's hard to hold the hand of anyone
Who is reaching for the sky just to surrender.